I thought you might like this little story from my bio: (it's about my teenage years)
THE KISS
Trembling, I try to force my mind to think of nothing, to let what’s to come, come. My eyes lose their focus as the empty ceiling becomes a sea of the palest blue, almost white. But it is useless. Thoughts tumble into each other so quickly they overlap.
How did I get into this position? What could have possessed me to agree, so readily, so ‘matter-of-factly’, to such an idea, one that was completely bizarre to us both? How could we have spent so long discussing such a trivial, yet important thing? A safe way to experience something all our friends talked about, but which we could only guess at?
Without warning, a face replaces the ceiling, filling my field of vision. The eyes hold me, framed with long, fine, fair lashes. I never noticed how blue the irises are before, with incredibly large pupils. Embarrassed, I tear my gaze away, down the sunburnt nose to the mouth, over which an almost invisible moustache grows. The full lips are almost parted, almost moist. Suddenly, I remember my teacher telling me, ‘Do nothing you would not have your mother see you do.’
I try to put mother out of my mind, we are only practising. Where is the harm in that? Richard’s breath, faintly sweet, enters my nostrils. His eyes become one. Should I keep looking, or shut mine? I close them; I am lost in his power.
Lightly at first, then with a sensitive, delightful pressure, his mouth brushes a faint, electric sensation into the nerves of mine. A minute passes, probably; I can’t tell, but it seems that time stands still until the weight of his body lightens, eases to my left, and he turns onto his back.
Twisting, I look at his head, framed by the afternoon sun that slants through the French windows so that his hair makes a sort of halo.
‘Was that nice?’ he asks in a whisper almost inaudible.
‘Yes, very,’ I say, surprised that I have a voice at all.
‘Well,’ he continues, ‘now it is my turn to pretend to be the girl.’
You are a good writer opening a hornet's nest of potential albeit dangerous possibilities beyond what you may have intended. If you are prepared to explore further you will have to take yourself out of your preferred category into the miasma of adult violence.
.. am an advocate of giving ‘characters effective connection within the ‘scenario & once that’s cookin.. don’t have much need for a reader to be told ‘she or ‘he - or reminded of their name ..
(If Mary or Bill enters a room & looks under the bed as well as the closet - the reader doesn’t need reminders of their Identity & Sex again.. or ‘that it’s HER .. or He numerous times..
Another way to put this might be.. I may ‘write - off the top of my head - to get it out..
but will then ‘apply an word editing’ - Edit Style & ‘get down to the business at hand - haha !
And i sure ain’t gonna leave tons of Pronouns & Names behind .. ‘Mary thought to herself silently that James owned more shoes than she did & she’d been building her collection since her teens.. so where was he buying his shoes from ?
Yes - as so many people do. Guilt and shame have a heap of power. I always revel in your writing at least in part because you don't shy away from difficult topics. Thank you.
Well done, Lee. Not that I know anything about marketing, but I think your books would be very helpful for middle school students who deal with many of the issues you address.
Parents have told me they appreciated the books. Some teens have reached out with emails and a class of middle grade student drew pictures of Pete and Weasel's adventures in Alligators Overhead. It's always interesting to get feedback from readers.
Any way you could have gone with this has been done before, but I think the route you chose makes the most sense. You already set up Mel as having mental issues, so this route was most rational. However, each option could veer the story into different genres. Having him escape prison goes to the horror genre. Having her break down again would be more Twilight Zone-ish. This ending takes you into the psychological thriller.
You have started something you may regret--painting an image of one character and hinting, somewhat enigmatically at a story with less developed characters. You have enticed the reader to dip a toe into the water and leaving them to wonder whether they want to wade or swim--whether you as the author want to enlarge the pool.
I liked where you took this story, Lee. If, what we write, can serve greater purposes like the themes you explore, the subtexts, it's always a plus.
I just want avoid being “preachy.” I find that it’s a fine line between exploration and the didactic. Thanks for the comment, Sonia.
I thought you might like this little story from my bio: (it's about my teenage years)
THE KISS
Trembling, I try to force my mind to think of nothing, to let what’s to come, come. My eyes lose their focus as the empty ceiling becomes a sea of the palest blue, almost white. But it is useless. Thoughts tumble into each other so quickly they overlap.
How did I get into this position? What could have possessed me to agree, so readily, so ‘matter-of-factly’, to such an idea, one that was completely bizarre to us both? How could we have spent so long discussing such a trivial, yet important thing? A safe way to experience something all our friends talked about, but which we could only guess at?
Without warning, a face replaces the ceiling, filling my field of vision. The eyes hold me, framed with long, fine, fair lashes. I never noticed how blue the irises are before, with incredibly large pupils. Embarrassed, I tear my gaze away, down the sunburnt nose to the mouth, over which an almost invisible moustache grows. The full lips are almost parted, almost moist. Suddenly, I remember my teacher telling me, ‘Do nothing you would not have your mother see you do.’
I try to put mother out of my mind, we are only practising. Where is the harm in that? Richard’s breath, faintly sweet, enters my nostrils. His eyes become one. Should I keep looking, or shut mine? I close them; I am lost in his power.
Lightly at first, then with a sensitive, delightful pressure, his mouth brushes a faint, electric sensation into the nerves of mine. A minute passes, probably; I can’t tell, but it seems that time stands still until the weight of his body lightens, eases to my left, and he turns onto his back.
Twisting, I look at his head, framed by the afternoon sun that slants through the French windows so that his hair makes a sort of halo.
‘Was that nice?’ he asks in a whisper almost inaudible.
‘Yes, very,’ I say, surprised that I have a voice at all.
‘Well,’ he continues, ‘now it is my turn to pretend to be the girl.’
Thanks for sharing this here. Loved the twist at the end
Thanks – my editor said that an explanation was needed...
You are a good writer opening a hornet's nest of potential albeit dangerous possibilities beyond what you may have intended. If you are prepared to explore further you will have to take yourself out of your preferred category into the miasma of adult violence.
Your writing is never, ever dull and frequently thought provoking. And tugs at my butter soft heart.
.. will revisit shortly.. But !
.. am an advocate of giving ‘characters effective connection within the ‘scenario & once that’s cookin.. don’t have much need for a reader to be told ‘she or ‘he - or reminded of their name ..
(If Mary or Bill enters a room & looks under the bed as well as the closet - the reader doesn’t need reminders of their Identity & Sex again.. or ‘that it’s HER .. or He numerous times..
Another way to put this might be.. I may ‘write - off the top of my head - to get it out..
but will then ‘apply an word editing’ - Edit Style & ‘get down to the business at hand - haha !
And i sure ain’t gonna leave tons of Pronouns & Names behind .. ‘Mary thought to herself silently that James owned more shoes than she did & she’d been building her collection since her teens.. so where was he buying his shoes from ?
ok .. back to reading some of your stuff ! 🦎🏴☠️💋
Yes - as so many people do. Guilt and shame have a heap of power. I always revel in your writing at least in part because you don't shy away from difficult topics. Thank you.
You've hung in with me a long time, Sue! I hope you see improvement along the way.
Well done, Lee. Not that I know anything about marketing, but I think your books would be very helpful for middle school students who deal with many of the issues you address.
Parents have told me they appreciated the books. Some teens have reached out with emails and a class of middle grade student drew pictures of Pete and Weasel's adventures in Alligators Overhead. It's always interesting to get feedback from readers.
I think your approach works. I really liked the other theme of no means no.
I guess we can't write about that too often. Women as well as men need to have that firmly in mind.
Powerful - and a huge step forward for her. I do hope that she continues in that direction but fear there will be repeated back steps...
I think she'll always live with that tragedy on her back.
I think it worked really well, and feels like, well, the most helpful direction.
These short ones are tricky sometimes, so glad you thought the end worked.
Any way you could have gone with this has been done before, but I think the route you chose makes the most sense. You already set up Mel as having mental issues, so this route was most rational. However, each option could veer the story into different genres. Having him escape prison goes to the horror genre. Having her break down again would be more Twilight Zone-ish. This ending takes you into the psychological thriller.
You are so good at seeing the possibilities, A.C. I should consult with you!
You have started something you may regret--painting an image of one character and hinting, somewhat enigmatically at a story with less developed characters. You have enticed the reader to dip a toe into the water and leaving them to wonder whether they want to wade or swim--whether you as the author want to enlarge the pool.
That's a very interesting take on this one, Irving. Thanks for making me think a bit deeper about it.